Homicidal Chocolate

Yesterday was the first day I left my house in 2 weeks and I had a freak out. All around the medication IS making me feel better, but it still doesn’t help my anxiety when out in public.

The fear I have of people is ridiculous. I don’t want anyone to hate me or make fun of me or judge me, so I constantly worry about it. I can never think of what to say even though I try, and when I start trying to talk, it comes out all wrong. I review every social interaction over and over again in my head and worry about what it made the other person think of me and I almost always assume it’s bad and beat myself up over it. In my mind, everyone is judging me for the worst by every little thing I do. I’m especially nervous around people I don’t know.

I also have a habit of getting completely stressed out about random shit that has nothing to do with what I’m currently doing. I get anxious from being around people and start to think about the past and all my insecurities and fears and I mentally break down. This seems to happen almost every time I go into public, which is why I prefer not to do so. I might just become a complete computer geek and keep most of my socializing to the internet. :/ I’m such a loser.

I also have a lot of unfinished business to take care of. At this moment in time, I’m thinking about the letter I have yet to write to Dante and tell him what’s really going on. I was actually starting to forget about him kind-of until he started calling me. As expected, he’s always very nice and talks about how he misses me and naturally my feelings start coming back for him. I start thinking about him again, and it brings back all the stress from before. I really REALLY need to finally grow a pair of balls and write him this letter. I need to make it very clear to him that when he gets out, I WILL NOT take him back. I need to be rational for once and realize that I need and deserve something way better. I need to look out for myself for once, no matter how much I care about him. I can honestly say that deep down, I’m still crazy about him. This letter is so hard for me to write and I can’t decide on what to say. I’ve started it over so many times. There’s such a difference between what I need to say, what I wanna say, and what I can actually gather the courage to say.

Also, there are a couple of things I need to address, but don’t know how I actually feel about. Mostly about whether or not I’ll be friends with him still. I honestly want that more than anything. I would love to have him back in my life. I’m just so worried though about what will come with that. I know he’ll still want to have sex, and to be honest, I will too. (I’ve always been extremely attracted to him and it’s the best sex I’ve ever had.) But I also know that he would be fucking other girls at the same time, probably including his other ex fiancee. I don’t know how I’ll handle that. It might kill me inside, especially if I have sex with him. Plus, I know I WILL have to give him up eventually (I don’t plan on being single forever, plus if I’m hurting I’ll have to), but the longer I wait to walk away the harder it will be to do so.

So basically, I know it would probably be in my best interest to cut it off with him completely in the letter… I know that would be wisest. I don’t think I could convince my heart to do that though… It would hurt me a lot.

The one thing I know for certain though is that I CANNOT under any circumstances allow myself to take him back, no matter how badly I want to. It kills me though.

Shit. Every once in a while I get reminded why I just stay in my room all day. When I’m trying to get to know new people and hang out with them, I panic on the inside. When I try talking, it comes out as a giant word fuck half of the time and I get either laughs for sounding stupid or they look at me like ‘wtf?’. So I just don’t talk and sit there worrying about what other people are thinking [because naturally they’re all thinking about me with everything else going on /sarcasm]. It’s so dumb and I’m embarrassed about it, but basic social interaction is the most stressful thing in my life. I can’t help but think, how the fuck am I supposed to do this every day?

tumblrbot asked: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

The bottom of the ocean.

I think the prozac the doctor put me on is working. I’m still down, but I don’t feel miserable all of the time. Now, I mainly just don’t wanna leave my room or talk to anyone. I haven’t been on facebook or checked my phone in a couple of days. I don’t know what my deal is. I just wanna be alone, I guess.